wrigley field is MILF paradise
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
