I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
