when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
