i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
3 2 1 whiskey
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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