dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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