You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
