does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I got inside last night via doggy door
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
