if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
