I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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