So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
