I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
it's like iHOP with fire
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
