just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
