I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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