we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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