my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
