im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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