I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
