Already got asked if we're dating
im six kinds of drunk right now
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
