we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
