well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
