i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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