3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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