I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize