Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
