I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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