I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
