i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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