god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
