I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
