Moan for me like Helen Keller
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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