had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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