He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
