Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
