I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
