Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
