Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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