The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
