Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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