While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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