I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
