i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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