just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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