what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
