I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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