A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
