Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Floor bacon is actually really good
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
