You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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