wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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