i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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