Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
