you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
