You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
