Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
