i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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