I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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