put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
