Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
