Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
